you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
