If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm getting married
To pizza
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
