I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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