I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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