Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
even my farts smell like vagina
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
