Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
