I'm lost and stupid without you.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
