No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
third nipple confirmed
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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