The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
