I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
