I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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