Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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