Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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