careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
