I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
