I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
