So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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