if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
