im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
