my phone cant type all the emotion im having
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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