You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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