You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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