Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
