u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Randomize
