Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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