Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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