I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
