I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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