shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
