Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
