She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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