Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
