I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize