my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Randomize
