I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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