You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
