giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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