Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
