life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
