just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
