I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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