This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You have to summon your inner elephant
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Randomize
