I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
well most of my day revolves around power hour
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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