I bet he comes in French.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
