Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
