I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
