God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
