I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize