My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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