apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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