Swine flu. Run for my life!
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Randomize
