I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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