Moan for me like Helen Keller
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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