Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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