my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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