his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
