I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
