I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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