I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
